1:12pm: thank God, Jesus died on the cross and rose again to show everyone wAZZup?!
i am thankful for God. even though, i dont have a job and a complete bum, i will continue to love God and not dwell on my wrongdoings.

i have great faith in God who died and rose again

to show how much He loves us...

to be humbe and weak and not use His powers to

makes us crumble but to humiliate Himself
(in man's standards, which is dumb)

and die on the cross just to save us worms.

THAT IS LOVE to die on the cross for all those
you love.

God is good, all the time, Oh YEAH YERrrrrr!

10:50pm: living in a day dream, and yet there is reality...ive sighed a thousand deaths if not more...
its been quite a long while since i smacked this journal in the face...meaning typing an entry.

lots have been on my mind, kind of, since i resigned from work aka quit...i dont have lots of thoughts that would change the world (i wish i did), but morelike choices that can change my life for the better? who knows but only God as i always say.

y r my decisions always soo prolonged, i seriously dont get it. my life has been put on a stand still for quite a long time. i have such a fun-loving inner child to share, and yet i create unnecessary used up time in adult decisions when i should just go for it and not hesitate cause age is catching up to me and showing on my head as i have counted 1, 2, 3 white hairs...i mean its cool if i go all white hair, who cares, but im just saying that i need to make affirmative decisions and not sit on my arse till i get sores or even worse let life pass me by, watching everyone live their sweet lives while i lurk around in my gray shadows.

i was hoping that life would get better here in los angeles, bcuz it was getting soo good in chicago, but in reality, los angeles is just los angeles. of course, it has it's great weather and lots to do, but is it really all that great behind the scene of things? i mean...do we really necessarily have to have all the lights and shops, cars, restaurants to make it entertaining...some of u r saying "yes, yes, yes, yes" and i agree to a certain extent. been here for two years and did make over the avg. salary for a bit, but now i have other things to consider...i just dont know what direction to go now really cause its another fork in the road of life, which can lead to another BIG BIG change in life...awww God, i trust u, but y all this anguish in the unknown?

i really want to stay near LA bcuz i am sick of moving, but then again, will i try to live the relaxed life again like i did in chicago when i have no right to bcuz both of my parents work like they are in a sweat shop. am i part of a doomed lineage?? no way cause i have choices...but dang, is this depression settling again in me trying to put me down and out? it sux not to have neone around to talk to, nearby in person, where u feel at ease, and not have to worry about being judged...not only that...can i make a worthwhile choice that wont send me back to 'step one' crap that i always get myself in to.

awww, besides that, i have a friend, who kind of reminds me of the chicago life, about parties, etc. i really dont want to go there nemore...i partied, etc. and met smart, rich, etc. ppl (dont get me wrong, cool friendly ppl)...and im not down with that nemore...i want to know genuine ppl, who dont need to rely on such things to have a good time. i will not drink and be stupid cause i have been stupid plenty of times in the past, and it doesnt work for me, nor anyone that i have known or read about online, it just makes u look more stupid than stupideRR. okay, no more drinking for me. see how long that holds up. saw a goood example, where one dude didnt drink, and im going to be that second dude...but dang i will miss my guiness, and dang...hite beer was pretty good.

God surround me with ppl, who r souly devoted to u...i know u have thrown ppl on my path and i have turned the other way. what i mean is all ppl r good...i just need a goood basis and support thats all i ask.

and wherever i go, if its los angeles, if its not, thats fine too...just make me productive in Your ways and not my own. ive tried on my own and i know that i am reminded that there is more to life than what i find entertaining and pleasing.

God let me live the purpose driven life...

not sure neone reads this, but i hope all u Lj ppl r living life so happy and spreading smiles to everyone around u because ur smile is a cure to those in need like me. God Bless all ur lives and that u will all contribute in some manner not to ur own fulfillment but of some others.

11:52pm: something i need to REread and think about how i can change for the better...
this is quite long and i posted this because someone may be in somewhat of a similar situation, i hope not, but its here and im williing to share that thing called "pain" in my life. these r great reminders, but y do i keep on putting IT off, i have yet to figure. i thank my brother in Christ, who thoughtfully and carefully responded to my situation and gave me permission to post this on the world wide fancy web. (names have been changed to protect the innocent) again, many thanx bro for ur input and opinions about my seemingly difficult walk with God.


***WARNING***
this is lengthy

=====================

Dear FIXmee,

My apologies for the very late reply. I'm pretty swamped and I "flagged" your email to get to it right away, but it's just been one thing after another. I see your uncle responded right away, and he made some good points. I also was trying to figure out why there was all that extra email between you and V? lol. You sent a lot of reading....of course, it's nice to see that you reply to SOME emails, even if you don't keep up with me :)

Let me begin by responding directly to what you have said.

in the past, i wouldnt care, well i did care (a bit), but it didnt bother me to
drop these so called "friendships" at the beat of a sound. but now, this is
about sisters & brothers, whom are apart of God's family,


You call these people "sisters and brothers" and "part of God's family". As such, I think the answer is pretty obvious. You can't un-relate yourself to your family. If you are a part of God's family, than these sisters and brothers are a part of your family, and you, as are all Christians, are bound together with them. As such, there is a matter of respect that must be shown to those relationships. Does that mean you have to be best friends? No. It is not possible for all Christians to be best of friends, and it's the same within families – you get along better with some siblings/relatives than with others. That's just something that comes with sharing common interests with others. So you may have a closer bind to some Christians and not as close to others –– but it is important to remember that even when you don't have a close friendship with another Christian, there is a degree of respect and honour you must show them. If someone is God's child, than that person is royalty, and must be treated as with the same honour and respect you would show to the Lord. We are to "love one another as Christ loves the Church".

Now, if these Christian relationships are unhealthy (and by that, I mean, if these people are not supporting and encouraging positive growth in your Christian walk - Phil 4:13), then you should not associate with them (1 Cor 5:9-11). We are instructed not to associate with those who are negative. Even in a situation like that, though, you would be able to maintain a respectful brotherly relationship without remaining in a deep friendship.

From what you have written, though, the reason you wish to drop the relationships is not because they are negative, but because these people are not catering to your needs the way you want them to. That, in itself, is selfish, which could indicate that YOU are the one not being a good friend. For that, you have to search your own heart.

Now we proceed to an even more fundamental problem in your email:

and i have in the past dropped relations with sisters & brothers before...partly, because
i didnt find them accepting of my broken faith,


There are so many things wrong with that statement. What you are asking, is that fellow Christians overlook your broken faith. If your faith is broken, FIXmee, then you should be striving to FIX IT, not continue trucking along with it broken. Your fellow Christian family should not be as complacent as you are, because CHRIST IS NOT COMPLACENT ABOUT YOUR FAITH. We tend to have this incorrect assumption that because of grace, we can all sit around and fail intentionally, and it doesn't matter, yet Christ is VERY clear that you CANNOT be on the fence. You are either FOR Him or against Him, and those who sit on the fence are AGAINST Him (Luke 11:23). Remember that in the book of Revelation many will come to Him and say "Lord, Lord" and He will turn them away. People can fool themselves into believing they are Christians when in fact, they are not. It is by the fruit that we bear that (John 15:1-8) that we are who we are. That is not saying that deeds save us, but quite the opposite - IF we are in Christ, we WILL bear fruit.

No one, FIXmee, including Christ, should ACCEPT your broken faith. We ALL struggle, and we all fall short of the glory of God, but that does not give us the right to sit around and think we're on a free ride to Heaven. People go on about grace, but read the gospels. Jesus was VERY strict about following Him. "If anyone would come after Me, he must DENY HIMSELF and TAKE UP HIS CROSS and follow me" (Mark 8:34). That's not a joy ride. That's hard work. And even when Jesus forgave, He did not say "I forgive you, go on sinning". He said, "Go and sin no more" (John 8:11). Doesn't mean be suddenly perfect, but it certainly doesn't mean keep on doing what you did before.

The word, REPENT, actually means to "turn away from sin". Physically changing direction and going the other way. If you have a car that is broken and you do not go to the mechanic and replace the broken part, the car will fail.

Now we get down to an even bigger problem:

seriously, i dont want much relation with ppl who seem to be
perfect like that...its not me and will never be.


JESUS is perfect. We are called to be Christ-like. It seems to me, that by your comment, you have no desire to be "with" or "like" Jesus. Don't try to weasel out of that by making an excuse that Jesus is different, because on earth, He was 100% human, and 100% perfect. He did not tolerate imperfection, yet He embraced those who were imperfect. It is a very fine line between the sin and the sinner.

When you compare yourself to the "prim, proper" napkin people, the reason you are angered by them is NOT because they are prim and proper, but because when you are there, your own failures are magnified, and you don't like having to deal with that. You have been avoiding what you've needed to be fixing since day one, and everytime the going gets tuff, you run away, instead of confronting your problems. No one is perfect, no matter how prim and proper they seem, but we are to STRIVE for perfection (Read Phil 3:10-17). This is our challenge. We have been made perfect in Christ, but must still contend with our imperfect existence as it is not. That's why Paul says we are to strive for the perfection we have already attained –– we have been "given" perfection through our adoption into God's family, but we must strive to maintain that perfection in our current, fallen state.

So here is the final part of your email:

what im trying to ask is that, i havent talked to them in like over a month,
and they know of my situation with the resignation and all, and being
depressed and to myself. to them, im sure im an emotional case, which i
believe i do have, since i let that 30-day notice get the best of me.


You are a difficult person to care for, FIXmee, because YOU push people away. When people get close, you get rid of them. When you're upset, you seclude yourself and don't want to talk to anyone. You don't want to burden others with your problems, not because you care about other people, but because you don't want to sound like a mental case. That being said, you need to ask yourself whether or not these people have tried getting ahold of you. Life gets busy, and people can't chase you around. Good friends will try their best to keep in contact with you and be there for you, but people can only do so much. You need to evaluate whether or not these relationships are important to you. As I said earlier, are you upset that they're not hunting you down? You said, yourself, that you have kept to yourself. How can someone reach out to you if you're keeping to yourself? If YOU are the one who has not been a good friend, then you should apologize to them. If you think that these relationships have been beneficial, than you should restore them. They might need to apologize for not being there for you, also. The same grace you expect to be shown, you must show to others. You aren't the best of friends, yet people still love you. So you should be able to forgive those who haven't been there for you when you needed them, if the core relationship is that much more solid. Maybe in your time of seclusion, some of these other people have had problems in their lives, and you weren't talking to them to find out how hard things were for them. You really need to evaluate the friendships based on their core value and NOT on the superficial aspect of being upset that they haven't catered to your needs.

or am i making
excuses because its easier for me to just "let go" and not face my problems?


And the last little sentence that you emailed sums up your life. This has been your problem for as long as I've known you. When the going gets tough, FIXmee gets going. Your uncle made some very good points in his reply – get on your knees, and seek the Lord's guidance. TAKE UP YOUR CROSS. It's not easy, FIXmee, and is not supposed to be easy. If you want easy, live the way of the world. Drown your sorrows in booze and drugs and sleep around. You will continue to be unhappy, but at least you'll have fun while you're being unhappy. If you want to be fulfilled, though, "run the race" with all its hardships.

I hope my tardy response is of some benefit to you. You know that you have access to me all the time. I have given you my toll-free number to call me anytime of day or night. 1-877-cool-azz-brother-in-Christ. You've had it forever but choose not to use it. Plus there is iChat, Skype, MSN, etc. If you need to speak with me, you have 24-hour access to me.

With deepest love and affection.

In Christ,

ATrulyGoodBrotherInChrist

=========================

y am i so crushed God? y am i living in this stagnancy and complacency? i find it hard to express myself to others nowadays. i feel weak and trembling in the knees, where i want to stand up on my own; yet, i should b on my knees and on the ground begging for Ur mercy. dont let me fall away from Ur ever-satiating presence. let me complain in anguish no more and live life bearing Ur fruit and not my own. let me be firm and pronounced and not easily pounced. Please, God continue ever-loving me. Amen.

1:00am: passin' by with a scent of freshness in the air...
u know whats funny,

a church is supposed to be full of broken ppl

and in reality its not supposed to be as straight-laced as it may seem to onlookers from the outside

imagine a leper sitting next to u...

is everyone in a church required to have their life pieced together ever so intricately to the last detail to portray a sense of tranquility? that doesnt exist on earth...we all go to church cause were broken in some form or another...and those who dont go to church dont want to face their own insecurities. to have their insecurities laid out for the world to see, would only leave them vulnerable and naked to others, fearing judgement and the harshest criticism.
yet, i believe the church is somewhat of a safe house from this so called "harshest criticism" or it should be. yes some churches take advantage of their ppl, that just means u have to move on and find the one home church God directs u to...but dont go church hopping...this isnt a friday night where we go club hopping. as long as the church is bible-based and using the word to convey God's devine message then stick with it.

what im trying to say is that a church shouldnt be judged; more as, it should be revered through the message of the Word.

where im getting is...i havent been to church myself for two months...yes the loss of my job and the thought of not knowing what is next, scares the linked crap out of me. my belief in God is steadfast, but yeah i havent been to church because again, i dont know how to explain myself to others and im afraid of what they might think (when i shouldnt care, and i usually dont care of what others think, but that sometimes has gotten me in trouble, but thats another story)...my life again is at the cliff's edge, unsure of what is next for me...will i fly or will i die(im not contemplating suicide). what i mean is...will i give my complete TRUST to God, or die from following my own ways and worrying about what lies beneath me, which seems like imminent peril into a bottomless pit. this bottomless pit, i do not want to face, which in the end would be suicide.

wow, and to believe others have it worse...they do

but dang, i feel like ive got heaps of landfills of crap to deal with and i dont know how to disperse of it in some safe economical way.

-i wish that blistering leper,
who loves God would sit next to me and show how its all topical and it doesnt hurt inside.

-i wish that person who is butt ugly to the world
would sit next to me and let that beauty beam from within.

-i wish that fatherless/motherless child
would sit next to me and show me the love of our heavenly Father.

-i wish that unemployed person
would sit next to me and say, ive given up everything for Him and lived only day by day and i feel secure in every way.

-i wish that polytheist
would sit next to me and say dang, how can i have been a fool to bow down and worship so many other gods when there is one that is all sufficient, wonderful, caring, and most importantly loving to the eternal end; who will accept me for me and not count all the misfortunes and corruptions ive compromised.

-i wish that 'sunday worshipper'
would sit next to me and say, im sick of postponing this duration of solitude and im ready to dig my feet in and plant myself a new hopeful generation, the wait has been long overdue, its time to act now and start the course anew.

i dont know, ive given myself excuses as to why im not going to church and it does me no good. its plain pitiful, i mean a church is one of the best meetings a businessman/woman, doctor, actor/actress, mom/father, lawyer/judge and whomever else in some sort of profession or non-profession should be going to...i mean what is greater than a message of hope and clear understanding of what life is meant to be and more when God comes back and says "I LOVE YOU."
plus this conference at church is FREE, no need to pay for this economical tip!

saying to the family, ill go to church, i will...have u been going? i will...just go dang it...just go and stop stalling in the stalls cause they stink (in the restroom that iz).

be urself, be loving, be that genuiness thats inside of u and let it flourish, dont hold it back because it is truly a beautiful thing that lies beneath only waiting for water to be added to it and let grow fruitfully with the sun beside it as guidance and nourishment.

lately, ive wanted to scream, all i want is for u to hear me...

*Silence lyrics by Jars of Clay*

[verse]
Take
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?

[verse]
Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?

[chorus]
Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

[verse]
Scream
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

[chorus]
And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Yeah....yeah
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
**************

get me out of this self-fulfilling life...help me start off '09 in Your direction.

+++++++++++++++

i want to share this message from the convenience of youtube:
brother with a great message, hope u all bother to click and listen:

its a tubecast worth watching.

(im not at all preachy in person, nor am i desperate for attention, im just letting it be the way it should be)

8:09am: a letter to another 'value' of life...
i type things that dont make sense, so i thought i would add a bit more...

(this is no attempt at rap, haiku, poem, i dont know how...or any of that
formal grammatical writing, i just do...)

i think of you and all the divine plans in store for you,
all the great things God wants to do

i wish i can piece it altogether like one fine intricately grown ostrich feather,
but what is left is left adjusting to the weather

the birds come and sing to me in the morning and remind me of the beautiful day
that is led my way
yet, i sit there and figure forever and a day

i know i shouldnt be thinking this absurdity,
whereas this is my current reality

its sad, i know this is true, i still have a lot of growing up to do
not even a lifetime on this earth can fulfill
now i see why God gives life in abundance, forever and a till.

yes things will be alright, i need time to figure anew,
just that i have to start 'once again' brand new

the sun is here, i have to go now, i know its nothing like having you near.

10:08pm: what a day the Lord has made...it is a big deal.
goodmorning to a new history in the making...

i believe the inaugural speech was this morning at 8:30am for us west coast ppl? but i was still in my sleepy stupor. thank God for the internet...while there was a technicality problem with barack hussein obama beign sworn at noon, when yoyoma was playing his cello(?). neway that doesnt matter, hes president now and hopefully, there will be a change for the greater good and development of a much starving america.

it was great to see obama and his wife walk towards the white house with their beaming smiles of change and a new outlook on life. a continuance through a nation's struggle through economic troubles and arduous warfare; yet, a fresh page, to engage in the anew.

finally the 44th president, it took sooo long, yet so soon on this day, january 20, 2009, it is here and now. may america find a better resolve in all this hardship.

saw something genuine too (cant remember anything really genuine in a long time either)...on tv, u can see the blacks genuinely crying and happy, reminiscing about the days of harsh oppression and now being a witness to this inauguration has truly opened their eyes making them momenterarily forget the torture and focusing on the progression.

it is a big day, hes the 1st black president, its a big deal, sure we can say skin color has nothing to do with improving the economy, its about the change and ideals of the revival of a broken america.

yet in only this situation,
no one can say skin color
has nothing to do with this,
it does.

this reminds me to press on...God Bless the nation, world, and the betterment of the people.

8:28pm: ive created my own make-believe hell??
awwww crap,
its been over a month of resignation and i just told my mother on this saturday night and it was freaking hard.
awww shoooooooot, the tears started to fall at the very end of our conversation...

i know its just work...who cares. awwww shiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!

phone call goes something like this:

me: hi, mom, its me. sorry, its been awhile since i called.
momwhoilovesomuch: its okay son, i know ur tired. i just wanted to leave u messages on ur voicemail and let u know that i love u.
me: mom, i have something to tell u.
momwhoilovesomuch: what's that son...
me: im not working nemore...i resigned because i had trouble with training.
momwhoilovesomuch: well, ull just have to find something else, dont give up. u can move back here and find something.
me: i know mom, but its not where i go, i have to find that passion that lies within...i dont have much else to say...bye.(i always say "i love you" when i finish our conversations, but it was hard controlling my emotions.)

*in my bed...crying of what i have become if anything*

i thought i let out all the tears the day i resigned from work; yet; i find them once again rolling down my face. there has got to be more to life than this...

its just another line of work gone bad for me...theres always something else i have to remind myself.

10:22pm: wont lose hope, wont fade, i will survive in this depressing time...
its been about a month since my unwilling resignation. still hurts like it was yesterday and i still dont see it fading...i know i have to put my chinup and keep my head held up high and just be my perky self. but dang demolition derby, i feel like a superhero who cant use his powers because a kryptonite is lodged in me head, blocking my thought processeeeees.

i havent been to church in a month, and yes it bugs me, but dang, i dont know what words can heal me right now. i havent even touched the bible and dug deep into the words like i should be doing cause God is rad (im serious, He is rad). i have it beside me bed, but it hasnt been opened and immersed itself upon my soul, where it would give one happy feelings and inspiration to do good on earth. but yes, i havent been back to church in a long while...i dont know...

=======

the fellow believers will be like: so hows work?

me: well, i resigned because the work was ummmm....(what i really want to say: i ummmmm quit at freaking first chance cause i freaking couldnt take the stress of it, though i could have hung in there like a man and fought it out. yet, i bailed like a lil' emotional 7th grader who just entered junior high and doesnt know jack, where the bully would pounce on him like a bag of bricks off a cliff from the wild coyote cartoon. and no, i will not be coming back in this episode or the next.)

fellow believers: oh i am really sorry to hear that. so what happened?

me: well c, i dont want to explain...(what i want to say: freaking i put pressure on myself and planted these seeds of self-doubt when i should of talked to those around me who would have helped in some sort of way if not the right way, at least some effort was given, but yes, my dumb donkey azz didnt bother.)

fellow believers: so what r u going to do now?

me:...(God knows)

=======

oh yeah, the day after my previous entry..., she called me.
she totally sensed my doubtfulness, and girls hate that...i would say dang, help a brotha out, but in my case, i dont deserve it because i have put myself once in this God-forsaken position again.
neway, she expressed concern...(dang shes soo sweet) i am letting goo, shes letting goo...it should be...cause i dont want to cause her heartache, shes already been hurt...her dad died early this year....her and i were talking and things were getting better, she said she wanted to be more than friends...i had a hesitation with work...y let work get in the way u ask? well a man's life and direction shows u his character and intentions. well, i was iffy about my career move...not that i regret it...just that i wish i could have been a scholar, yet, i am soo atypical of an asian genius. neway, i bombed at career, so i dont want to pro-long the so called happiness we both shared for a temporary moment. dang, im an ass...i sure hope shes doing well...we did talk, it was brief like less then 7 minutes?? she knew i was at a heartache, but who am i to say whos in pain...i knew it was a rough 2008 for her. wishing u all the better, years to come. thing is, shes a bit reserved too...so for her to call...i dunno...

sidenote:
i freaking orderd a 14 piece bucket at KFC for like freaking 16 dollars and some cents. major rip off but my body was aching for sodium. neway, i ate the whole thing in one sitting...only to save three pieces for mini snack the next day. yes gluttony is a sin of mine...i dont binge like this all the time, though i did eat a large pizza in one sitting the previous week. if i didnt eat fast food like i did, i would be one of the fittest ppl on earth, so i think. i may have a body of a decent baller, but dang, i need to stay away from my urges even when i am stressed out, depressed what have u.

oh yeah what the heck is depression, the symptoms, what says u have this disease?
i mean, i know symptoms of:
- sadness: which i do have, come on i dont have a job.
- suicide: no dont have those thoughts because thats just plain stupid, i cant say that i havent thought of it way back in the day but who hasnt when things were just crappy, but that is just too easy, but if u lived the fortunate life of mastering social interpersonal intricacies then im happy for u, seriously.
- loss of appetite: oh heck naw that has not happened to me.
- increase in appetite: oh heck yaw, it has happened sporadically only because i have an appetite of a lion and can finish food in one chomp!
- memory loss: yeah, i have that because my thoughts are flustered and i worry to much for some reason when i should be at ease cause God cares.
- sleeping long hours: ummm heck a lot yea, i dont have much to do, nor any close friends to talk to about my seemingly dire situatoin (plus, i dont want to be a downer, who wants a downer around, not i?!) plus, i have no money to splurge and i have to budget and pay rent with my broke azz penniless self, doesnt help either that im a pig.
- insomnia: thank God i sleep like a baby in it's first few months.
- loss of sexual appetite: well, i dunnno, i mean i practice celibacy, and i have urges of course; especially in california...again, i saw more hotness today, while i was on my jog (yes a jog cause i cant run with basketball knees) in california but this time it was tall hot business asian women...and many other races, so beautiful this society. i can have sex like a machine im sure no doubt, and meaningful sex too...so no lack thereof.
- hopeless: i am not hopeless cause God doesnt allow that...i can be super happy and chipper but then ppl with think im crazy and say that i have hyper activity disorder, but why should i care.
- seperate urself from friends or those around u: well i have...i think i have a cool personality when im chill, but with the situation and all, i feel like a pile of roasted crap. i just dont want to hurt or upset neone...i know manure (horrible american spelling of the word) happens in life and nor is that Christian-like to do, but dang i feel like a solid piece of crap. i can be friendly, but dang where does my career path ly.

okay, situation will get better.

thanks Lj for letting me spit my spit at u.

11:23pm: make my vision clear oh God, not of this earth, but what's beyond it...
hmm, this has been on my mind lately ever since wonderful Christmas came around...dont mean to sound sarcastic, but i am upset. u may be saying...still upset?! i mean a man can only make himself happy for so long when there is no reliable support around him. so yeah im still trippin' a bit...

i might have ruined some good friendships over my career loss. ever since, my imposing doom with my career, i closed myself off from society, etc. it sux, because ppl always look at what u do as in work and how much u make especially in the los angeles area, beverly hills, west LA, OC, etc. but this isnt about the so called '1st class', its about the ppl that i was building a relationship with that seemed of the norm and not into all that jazz.

but on this particular issue, or more yet, this person of value...
while i was going through this hopelessness and wondering what i can do to make the next dollar (career path), i didnt call her at all...its been about a month. before my dilemma with work, we were hanging out having good times. she's a strong believer (which is 1st on my list), involved with kids, hasnt dated like crazy and seemed sensible in each past-dating relatinship, shes fun, and dang i miss her, and dang i began caring for her...she expressed interest in me (when everything was going well?), but now, i havent heard from her since the last time i called her about my situation of being 'let go' from work. i understand her exclusion from me and contacting me because i mean

every women wants a man with gigantic brains, hysterically funny, athletic in bed i mean coordinated, and importantly a financially stable career

which i dont have right now...so i spaced myself from her, and i believe shes doing the same, but not giving me space, but just letting go...or am i letting go...i dunno. she is an independent woman, and i can see her 'letting go'. i was told by a mutual friend (i dont even know if its mutual now...), but was told that she was there for me (for support during these trying times that im going through), but but i dont even know how to talk to her on the phone or even email her. oh, i emailed her after Christmas and wished her happy holidays and all jst to see where we were at...but no reply at all, so i dunno. i dont fault her for not calling...the ball is on my court to call...i believe shes being respectful, but i am as stubborn as an unborn child, and i wont call, though i want too...i wont. reason being, i seriously dont know what to say, i dont even know what my next line of career is going to be...so how the hecks am i going to chat or even conversate to a sweet lady.

dang this sux God, i know im a great catch of a fine guy but dang, its just that ever since university, this figuring out a career thing has been a piercing telephone pole through my body and i want it out already!

some say its better to do then not to do and some say grow some gonads (i have nads by the way) and call her...im freakign dumb/idiot...i rather suffer than let the girl suffer? i dunno what im typing anymore...ill let this subject go.

do things always have to be seemingly pretty or well-off in order to act? some ppl are great actors in hiding their problems (hollywood struck ppl, etc.). everyone has problems and its even worse for the rich so its been reiterated by Francis Chan a great pastor (i discovered through youtube), who mentioned that the rich have soo many temptations that holds them back...yet, i dont have riches and weak. it should be easier for me, but its not right now...im glad i have a roof over my head, but temporarily living on savings will not last long. i was asked 'why dont u move back to chicago?' i wont do that, i moved here for family reasons, and to start a new career, only to have that career b on hold to figure if its the right fit for me or am i supposed to pursue something else oh God? life can be a bit more financially comfortable, but i wont compromise that with a deeper passion within me to fulfill a meaningful purpose.

im going off topic...this is supposed to be an entry about her...but i dont know what to say nemore...shes sweet...aww...

===========

oh, just for some random Ljer

who is lurking and saying this

dude is tripping, hopeless

oh and can i say COMPLAINS like

a baby who doesnt know any better,

and just having some kind of mental trip and using God as a cushion for his self-existence is wrong. God walked on this planet and presented SALVATION in its fullest form. if i didnt believe this to be true, i would have saved time for myself and especially for my family and OFFed myself a long time ago, but this is not at all what i believe. i know God has a plan for me and that its taking me awhile to realize it. i seriously dont see any other beliefs that even come close to Jesus who died and rose three days later...i dont at all (not that im all knowledgeable about other religions but feel free to share in a sensible way) if u want to talk about it in calm-waters then i am willing but if ur a bigot like some say about Christians then im not going to bother. and if u utter/babble nonsense, ur words will pass like water on cracked sidewalks to the point of i dont give a flying donkay. but yes, i love God and struggle like everyone else.

plus, most of my friends that i value in other states or countries are non-Christians, so you can bite that and the chip on ur shoulder.

===========

God, U reminded me through pastor John Piper that its okay to be single, that this world its probably better to be single, and U also said its better that every man have a supporting woman beside him...well, i know i need a supporting wife beside me because, its that sweet. help me to see what U want in my life and not what i want all the time because it will only make me stumble backwards and wish for what i wanted again and again. help me to realize, Ur purpose is what matters and that i dont have to worry about my next bowl of rice with kimchi, seriously i dont. help me to grow stronger in faith each day cause i know i have been lagging. Amen

12:25am: i feel like cussing up a storm...and freaking taking out an uninhabited planet...
first of all, i cant believe im blogging soo much! i guess this is what happens when u dont have a gym membership for over a year!

-i wish i could eat at a free buffet, only to puke it out cause i ate so much and eat again
-have endless hot sex with random cute/hot girls and forgetting them after the deed is done
-drug up and get high and be on a mental trip to be away from all the crap thats happening now
-drink till i pass out and not remember what happened yesterday or the day before, or worse yet drink to the point where my mind is so shot that i have random blurbs to myself about life and how horrible it is
-go gamble in las vegas and wish that i hit the so called 'jackpot' as in winnings and live off of that, or purchase a random lottery ticket only to hit the big winner and live a life at the poolside
-to work myself to death and not recollect what is pestering me insides...wait, i have no career! aww!!!

(okay, God knows i wouldnt do this; though, i have been tempted)

okay, u know what...it sux to start over in such a cool place as this, cali cali, and not have freaking cool azz understanding friends. i mean in chicago, it was tough in the beginning, but got much better later, and now that i moved, i have to start over with the trust issues and revealing my own vulnerability, which can be accepted by some or deter them to the other side of the earth.

this freaking not having a career is detrimental to life, social life and most importantly family life.

where are these thoughts coming from...i dont talk to a therapist (which wont help me). i dont have a support group...thats it!
i dont have a support group and it sux!

seriously ppl treasure ur family, friends, ppl u love even if they are annoying like an african super bug, talk it out and be good friends again.

this learning how to make friend all over again God is surely getting old, but i know that i shouldnt be isolated, of course not. but dang i freaking dont know a trusting soul out here and if i did, r they willing to accept my frailties and insecurities, which can be mended, but dang. do all these indecisions have to suck the blood out of me like some kind of vicious siphon. am i suppose to ly on my scraped knees and bleed continuously and profusely till i crumble and pass on like dust. i know even a grain of sand is important to u, oh God, but dang i feel microscopic.

im not asking to live a life of occasional pleasures and quench my thirst to be a better known citizen, but i seriously want whats best in this life for others and not myself.

God, i love you, but what can i do to live a life of meaning and purpose?

my prayer to you Oh Lord...oh how they have been so repetitive and lacking in great meaning and thoughtfulness, but NO words can express how im yearning to figure this thing called 'life' u have given to us. am i totally that dumbfounded to not see what is meant to be, am i that blind and selfish to lose sight of what is significant, y have i been paying attention to how others perceive me when i didnt care before...get me out of the starting blocks when i know i can finish this race in the top 3. Amen.

10:59pm: gosh dang dang it dang dang!!!
y God do u make me stew in this mental pain. it freaking sux, i see the freaking joys in life passin' me by when i can be a part of them if not creating them. theres so many happy places and so many content faces, yet, i fall back on this wretched path of dirt and mud...only to add more rain in this dirt path, to make my walk evermore treacherous. freak that dang it! y am i losing focus, y am i not valuing those around me who have given sweat and heartache and not to mention, mounds of headaches.

since then back at 17, i was asking where my relationship and life lie with u, oh God. i dont need this pain and agony nemore...help me to find that genuine pleasure and not what this world considers relief...help me to figure out these complications with my surroundings. does it ever get ne better than this?? im not in despair oh Lord, im just completely frustrated and aggravated that if i were to run around the world and back it wouldnt relieve this pain sitting inside. ive been a prisoner in my own body and when there is help, what do i do, i run away from it...is it because im not used to the help thats being offered, and i dont know how to accept it because i dont know if i can return it? help me to realize that i dont have to return it and that ppl only do for God only u know. does it have to be this confusing, does it have to be this painstaking, does life have to sit around for this long? what am i doing wrong, what can i do to make it better, what can i scale to see what is better? what can i do to find what is missing? am i looking in the right places?? everytime i try or do, i seem to do but with no heart behind it...where is my heart in all that i do?

i dont need to move nemore, i really dont..i want to stay here in LA and growup, i really do, freaking since childhood, my ass has been on the mobiletrain. i want to sit ass on the countryside and chew my hay and just enjoy the view of the sunset and moonlight together, but maybe thats just too dang lax for yah...okay, it is, because ive been chewing that hay for over a decade now, where its disintergrated. but do i have to go this alone, can friendships develop over just pureness and nothing more? do i have to have all these objects and desires that humans long for in order to build some sense of worth and notice in this place? do i have to b supercool among the so called elite in order to gain preference? am i looking in the wrong directions for acceptance, then dang help me look in the right direction.

help me to stop grieving over my dang situation, where it tears me up in the insides poentially leading to cancer and other cortisol developing matters. freaking have a smile that can freaking light up more than time square in NY and freaking sun put together, which is nothing in ur eyes, but something dang nab it.

awwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

what is this passion? what is this passion that everyone burns about? where is this passion that drives us all??? where is this passion that lies within me, yet, my freaking fat-filled brain cant find the connection to that precious file cabinet that has walking legs and runs when i go inspector gadget on it.

awwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

does this have to happen during Christmas, oh God, ur month, ur holiday, why now? i know its the season for u and to let me sit here like a baby and whine during ur birth month. do u want me to notice and see its all about U!!! yes, i believe this is true, ever so true. y dont i act on it before i have more gas bubbles than a fish in the sea? awww! im beginning to dislike this so called december month. because its suppose to be about family but what family is there, what family is there when u dont even know where it begins. yeah i have a clue of what it is, but what do u make of it for those who dont have a firm grasp on what it should be, where does the meaning lie when the earth covers it with its so called pretty bows and glitter wrapping paper? what is then, huh? what is it suppose to be...it should be year around but even this month doesnt seem to emphasize it for me...is it suppose to hurt like a heart attack yet have no symptoms leading to it...these thoughts are foul...forgive me.

does my happiness only lie when things are going well? i sure hope not, but it seems to be that way. am i selfish this way, i surely dont mean to be because then my happiness wasnt all that it was cracked up to be. y do i wallop and waddle all the day long across a beaten path that has worn its way down to the clay?

awwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fart!

this all sounds so ridiculous! awww!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what is meant to be, wont be, if i let all this go by...let me climb out of this hell already.
do i care nemore, i do care God, but where does that care belong?!

gosh, i cant imagine worse for those who cant fathom ur goodness.


(SONG BY NICOLE C. MULLINS *duration 4:42*)

earth w/o space
cloud w/o a face
ocean w no water
sun w/no moon
thats me
w/o u
let me take a moment to smell the roses in my life
all the things i treasure u supplied
the love of a mother
and the heartful prayers of a child
the laughter with my good friends
my baby smiles
every sunrise when my skies are blue
breath of heaven, i feel u
w/ each heart beat my soul is revealed
cant live my life w/o u
i hope it never happens but on ne given day
my whole world can shatter and fade away
but after all the heartache and tears that i cry
ud b there to comfort me
till again, i rely
every sunrise when the skies are blue,
breath of heaven, i feel u
with each heartbeat my soul is revealed
cant live my life w/o u
it only took one moment
and i surrendered to ur grace
and im urs forever
and right here
here is where im going to stay
whenever i think of u
u take my breathe away
please believe me
i perceive thee
ive offered my life
every sunrise when the skies are blue,
breath of heaven, i feel u
with each heartbeat my soul is revealed
cant live my life w/o u


(BY NICOLE C. MULLINS - the soft melody and lyrics, i really enjoyed, sorry i dont have the cd title)


God be patient with me no more and show me who i am inside. Amen.

6:49pm: oh God let me flourish already!!!
hmmm, how do i begin? being in cali, its been tough not knowing a lot of ppl and having to start over again with friendships. for a year or soo that i have been here, ive been trying to establish my career life, which i can say at the moment hasnt been simple but what is, which leads me to say that i am even more lonely because of the indecisions in my life.

not too long ago, early last month, i was talking (making friendship) to a sweet godly lady. u can say she had all the qualities of a godly serving woman. every moment she had, she would set aside time to serve god the best way she could and rightfully enjoy life when she could. shes athletic, shares common music selection, loves kids, has two cute dogs (whom i miss), more importantly want the best for those around us, and i feel an ease of self-expression with her in someway. neway, she expressed interest in me, and i told her that right now im in a transition with work and establishment. i cant even remember exactly what i said, but she said it was cool and no worries. she was that chill about it. was that cold of me? i didnt mean it that way.

funny thing is, i wrote on lj earlier, about the ideal person i would like to be married to and one of them is her being in the healthcare field, specifically a nurse, and she ends up being a nurse practitioner! so wonderfully weird and god does work in the oddest and best ways.

then i called a friend about my seemingly lack of interest, and she told me that i shouldnt talk to her much because if it were her, then it would be tough for her to be friends, since she has crossed that line of neutrality, it would just be weird. say if i were to touch her in a non-flirtatious way, it would be considered flirtatious, if i complimented her, it would be more than a compliment. i dunno if i make sense, but i am not afraid to compliment (with no hidden intentions of course), touch, etc., so that wouldnt be good, and whatever else one can come up in the human imagination.

im still in that unfortunate transition nearing my 30s, where u find women say " i dont want neone with a midlife crisis, etc. ". i can say that i am in a midlife crisis, because i worry about my career life and where its heading if newhere. and this is where my hesitation lies to start ne worthy relationship.

everyone says, how could u be single? if i were to honestly explain it:
well, my career life is not established at all, as a matter of fact it lies on a mound of rocks where lava seems to be encroaching at the borders. i sit there lifeless, when i have so much life, yet sit there and not work hard like one should when there is soo much being offered. my goals and dreams appear a blur. yet i lie in this stupor and let life pass by. my relationship with god needs a lot of work before i pursue ne sweet lady and degrade her relationshiop with him.

this just plainly sux...

God i pray for ur comfort and relief, let me be me and mold me the way i freely should be, and do not let me lose sight of You. times have been often rough, but i am not going to let this be the judgement in my life because father God, You have shown me the sweetness You have to offer..help me unravel my potential and live clearly for You. Amen.

6:38pm: is the LOSt ANGELess lyfe for me...
yes that is the question, is the los angeles life for me?
i dunno yet, its hard to say. im still trying to figure this place out, its like a rubix cube, and i have yet to get one side correct. i sure hope this career choice is what i would like it to me, not most importantly to me, but to the ppl of course. i know im going off in a tangent, but yeah, i do that at times, i mean well though.

hmmm, ive been here for a bit over a year now...for the last 8 months, i havent had a life because ive been trying to commit to work, but thats even hard now. so much to learn in this line of work compared to my old one. even with my degree, i will not go back to it because i dont enjoy it at all; unless, i were to work in the communications, pr, part of it maybe? but i just dont know much ppl or even the connections like that, or have the experience to start off in that position...and its a bit late for me to revert back to it. so if this career doesnt work out...dunno. but i have no fear, God is my rock, and i know i can find something else with the His help. i know i can do well, i just need to work on excelling so God help me.

God please help me to not be lazy and work hard and be committed, nor more fouling up and givin up, its about living it up, Amen.


in the meantime, i am moving out...moving out on my own. its about time. i was with my uncle/aunt for a year and it was torture after the first month? i mean it was very nice of them to support me, but they were always paranoid about me misbehaving and they even gave me a curfew at my day and age! i never had a curfew!!! im a graduate from awhile back and they are crazy to the point of giving me a curfew! my aunt always thought i went out to drink and party with a load of girls. its not my fault i share my new years, holidays pictures with the family, its better than hiding them..and the pix arent even bad compared to girls gone wild!
neway, im out and i hope that i can stay at this place for a long while. just have to focus on work.

oh yeah, why my aunt in los angeles is paranoid:
1. she makes my uncle like her dawg on a leash.
2. she goes off if i come home around 10pm, and gave me a curfew of 12....lame.
3. she thinks im out getting drunk all the time with girls.
4. she assumes that im playin girls, when i only want 'God-blessed girl'.
5. she went nuts cause i close the bathroom door behind her so she doesnt have to smell my poop when shes practicing the piano, which is right across from the batheroom.
6. when i go running late at night, she thinks im going to have a one night stand? i dunno.
shes freaking nuts.
7. she blames me for breaking her little glass table. i didnt do it.
8. this is enough...too much.
shes always trying to make me feel guilty...aiya.
y do i always get the blame in the family?? im trying to be good...i am trying. i know they say dont 'try', just do....if it were that easy then everyone would be an astronaut.

neway...im on my own now...God give me the peace & stability, i pray.

i miss my mom...

i hope ever1 in Lj land is doing well. oh yeah, its funny, i saw some1 from Lj, but i wont bother introducing myself bcuz, im not like dat. i am not mistaken, im good at recognizing faces, but if it was a hot girl, then maybe i would....haha wish u all well!

8:03pm: at the cafe shoppay w/ hot asian lady eye candy buying boba, oh what great therapy!
hey every1, it surely has been a long while since ive last posted about my so called "life" or lack of. seems like everyones life is progressing majorly and im a spectator. hahah not soo much.

ive been pretty busy. i sure hope this new career will bring me new insight, better intuition and a purposeful life on this man-forsaken earth. graduation is supposed to happen on sept. 12, for those who dont know i do have a bachelors, but it is completely useless and expensive forever and a day...if i dont work hard on this new career, i really dont know what i will do next. i really dont...im not a smart asian, nor have i studied to the status of such a thing because my laziness overcomes me in a incredible manner. no i am no engineer, doctor, hypnotist...nothing as of yet, but can soon be something great once i take care of business so the great God willing. no need to expound unless i completely finish this program.

i have a dream...to possibly buy a house in cali if possible, but i dont have an inkling of a chance because i have no savings. i am poor, yes, i dont have a down payment on a house, yet i could, but then again, decades of payments that arent worth it, if i could ever find such property. i would like my mom to live with me so i think. even my brother tooo....i am not good with family because i havent been around immediate family, since my parents have been divorced ever since i was young, hardly at all in my life..but i sure am fortunate to have a big family who has given me many chances. i sure hope that t his chance is a lasting one because the genie has evacuated the bottle, and hitting the lottery is a gogo gillion chance soooo umm yeah last chance. neway, i went off the subject, i do miss my mom...she worries a lot but she does it undercover. i have caught her crying before when i visited and she tells me that she worries about where my life is heading...it hurts me deeply to see her like that...to see her sweat everyday at work and make barely nething...

why have i take everything for granted for soo long in my life...i shouldnt be this way, but i am. its sad...what does it have to take in order for me to grow up and face reality boldly and take charge once in my life and have a great impact on the ppl i love...even if i barely know them, even if they are strangers. why am i soo dysfunctional and misinterepreted...i need to grow up and adapt and take care of things soo help me great God.

God make me a better example, keep me forever humble and aware of my surroundings. help me to show great appreciation to those i love. Amen.

12:15pm: live' life in cali cali like it ought to be ally ally...
im am definitely enjoyin the sun out here. its been nice out here compared to the chicago winter weather. ive gone the beach a couple of times and i surely like. its great therapy for what i am going through right now.
what am i going through right now u ask, well its a life changing decision...
i am embarking on a journey that can take neone out of their elements. im not going to specify because its not worth going into detail unless i complete the training program.

all i ask now is that God give me the strength and dedication like none b4. am i unsure still, i am more positive about the aspect of this line of work and hope that i can find my place in this line of work that offers a lot of opportunities. i pray that this willl keep me settled and grounded and not flip floppin like a burger on the grill cause im sick of this instability and just want to get on some tracks that can lead me to a defined meaningful path.

meantime, my grandmama is doing well in cali. but i havent been able ot see my grandparents recently. im actually happy that i have a cp to call them, other than that, i dont like to hold onto my cp much as u look at my phone and how banged up it is...its a 2 yr. old model...oh well.

time surely flies...

my friend in SJose has bought a house...ummm, shes not married, i didnt get the details, so i guess that is the new thing. live with them first and figure it out later...j/k..im sure they figured it out, but buying a house together when ur not married, is big azz gamble. maybe i ddint get the full details cause i didnt want to talk at that moment, but i hope it works out.

other than that...

a sweetie that i dated awhile back is making plans to get married. she told me that she was doing a 4o day prayer thing and i have no clue what that means..she said that they will b prayin about their possible marriage for 4odays i guess...meantime, i told her i would be doing the same. she is a sweetie and deserves the best. one of those gals that has their heads on right, makin that bank and giving back to her parents, helping friends, supporting friends, just spreading the laughter like a good girl should. a definite worthy one. wish u well honey.

every1 is getting busy in this world...even the Lj peeps. i wish all is well with u all out there in the Lj world! payce!

10:52am: GOD is truly awesome...these past Sunday notes...I LOVE YOU GOD!
past Sunday Service...

12/2

- You are representing someone else and not yourself.

LUKE 23:35 - Jesus asked to SAVE HIMSELF if He is soo great then He should be able to save himself from all this so called treachery. But God is no ordinary human like us petty mortals.

- Jesus was costantly mocked and criticized at the cross, spat on, and degraded because He was painfully hanging on a cross and vulnerable for other weak men to poke fun at Him.

- This isnt about Jesus being God.
THIS IS ABOUT
How we can
INSULT someone who is dying painfully on
THE CROSS
FOR OUR SINS.
Whether He seems deluded or crazy how can society make fun of anyone dying so painfully.
No empathy at all from people who would be crying for God if they were in the same position.

HOW CAN WE BE SOO CRUEL.

EPHESIANS 6:11 - Please read for yourselves.

â? â? â?  God is not obligated to walk on this earth and prove Himself to little itty bitty men, who think they have great enough judgement to comprehend such great vastness, when they only rely on themselves they seek their own wisdom in stubborness.
â? â? â? 

BUT
God willing to do so took the place of man, who is dorky and idiotic at all times, but He tookk all of man's sins and laid them upon Himself, so that He can offer them salvation and prove to them that there is something more on this earth than just our temporary lives.

COME to HIM
as you are, even if your broken, retarded, burdened, poor, ashamed, frightened, single, alone, suicidal...
HE WILL LOVE YOU THROUGH ALL THIS like no other god.

Our INDIFFERENCES effect us as a whole..meaning our character is shaped by every mmomentous act we do.

BUT GOD
replaces those indifferences with
NEW ONES
once you accept Him openly.
THEN HE WILL OPEN YOUR EYES,
and make YOU REALIZE your importance.

GOD BLESS!

MORE SUNDAY NOTES...

please read PSALM 18

JEREMIAH 14

- dont be like a warrior
POWERLESS to save...

HOW CAN ONE PRAY
in
DESPERATE TIMES to
GOD
when they
CONSIDER HIM A STRANGER???

for example,
HI GOD, please save my mother from cancer,
though i dont care for You and never care for You
and only want you to do this or else Your a mean
and fictitious God.
DO IT,
or
U SUCK.
come on GOD do it...if not,

I WILL BE A SATAN worshipper and be his pawn,
to defy God and be stupified for all eternity
until i get bbqed in hell, thanks!

God is like moisturizer,
READY for you to use at your convenience.

JOHN 1:12
You have the right to be the children of God
: 13
NOT of human desires or husband's will
BUT
BORN OF GOD.

Amen.

===========================================

yeah! my car that had over 5000$ in damage is fixed! well kinda, still need some fine touches.

===========================================

played vball yesterday and someone called me
SUPERMAN?
im a novice to vball. i play maybe twice a year before moving to SUNNY LOS ANGELES!

===========================================

i got private talked at work.
this girl pulled me to the side cause she couldnt handle my
sarcastic humor, which seemed to serious than sarcastic.
sorry! she seems real cool, and im glad she pulled me over privately and chatted with me.

===========================================

oh yeah and i want to raise over a billion dollars for NON PROFIT, and please God help me find the organization that it suits.

===========================================

God thanks for another day of life. Please help me impact the world.
Amen.

5:20am: okay, LA is the land of the crazies, and i thought i was crazy...
okay, i havent been too happy the first two days of my job...
but i wont say much about it because its not the important. simply, i just need to do my work and keep ppl at bay. what i mean is, i neeed to focus on the importance of my work and not those who dare to gossip!

can u believe this, i am only a few days new and there is haterz, hatin' on meh!!! what did i do other then speak out for myself. u think i am going to let u trample me cause u think ur better than me?? my God says no u r not better than me.

here is my rant towards that one particular person who thinks that she owns the world and is a flame to a fire:

TURN ON MY BOOMBOX and LET THE BEAT BASS go BOOOOM!!!!

i heard that there were crazay ppl in LA,
but dont be the 1st one
cause i dont want none.

ill rock u,
pounce u into stubble.
if im nice not a little itty bitty stubble!

i can so easily pop u baby bubble,
but for now,
ill trounce u
and informally denounce u.

so let it be and b care free
if u want my empathy.

dont worry, ur not my forte,
u po-po lil' shortay.

u need to desperately chill
and go find a thrill
or something of the like, oh girl,
u lookin' mighty ill...

u think u know it all,
but BUT
ur is as flat as the great wall.

i may look scareee
but my power and prowess is twice
as deadly like the one, jet li!
so baby pleeese!

leave me alone and go find a way home,
u ever soo fake and fictitious knome!
what u say,
u dont care,
i dont either
just ask my derrier!

if u tick me off again,
ull be feeling my aura of rage
that cant be held
in any massive cage!

not even the san diego zoo
can hold me down,
so sorry i make them frown.

u tryin' to oversize me,
please girl onnly thing u can do
is overSIZE me,
go McD's.

so ill stop this too long and
continued jibber jabber
cause ur not worth my verbal labor!

now, i leave you free to rest in PEACE,
so get of my piece!
pretty please!

i am being soo nice lady gossiper, u little grasshopper!
ur lucky i dont trample all over yah!
gosh, ur the person who makes work unbearble cause u pass gossip and try to convert others to hate! i cant believe ur getting ur so called coworkers to side with u just because theyre around u. u seriously and pathetically need that kind of affirmation. how old r u and im younger than u by what 10 yrs!

get off ur imaginary HIGH HORSE, already!

i will go to HR if this persists beyond two weeks, lady.

God control my anger...please. Amen.

=====================================================

5:48am: believing in God who died and rose again, just amazes me each and every day...
i took my grandmother to chemo yesterday, it was a short one...

she has one more chemo appt. for next week, and it will be the heavy dosage one, where she and i will be there for about four hrs. her and i have been going pretty much every week, and its always nice to see her smile when shes going for chemo. its like water to her, but i sure hope its affective. i mean these drugs are a rip off and so is the healthcare system.

healthcare costs would be soo much cheaper if they knew how to

RECYCLE RECYCLE RECYCLE

all the plastic crap they throw away

neway, she goes to chemo and were in the lobby waiting for her 11am appt., where we are always early. the nurse there was surprised we were early...ummmm, lady were always early.
shes quite rude, ooops im getting off subject.

neway, my wonderful grandmama says:

"thanks be to God" (if that is my correct translation)

she just said it, and i almost freaking bust out crying in the lobby.
(and i dont cry often, im only emotional about things that should be emotional making my EQ, quite the norm so i think.)

shes sooo wonderful and im glad shes a believer in God cause she know what exists beyond this earth and that only one God can grant salvation.

God help me to handle her death well since this will be the first family death i will experience in person and locally. where i will be attending a funeral of someone who is more than dear to me, someone who has only asked for simplicity and bear necessities, nothing more, nothing less. a sweet lady who raised her 7 kids, and their grandchildren when given the possibility. that possibility was me, and she did a great job!

i love u soo much grandma that it will hurt soo much when ur gone, but i know that i will see that wonderful smile once again when the heavens are every so clear because of ur bright smile.

thanks for taking care of me when it wasnt a choice,

thanks for cooking for me when i ws starving,

thanks for hitting me hard when i was soo bad,

thanks for killing cocroaches with ur hands when i was afraid too,

thanks for yelling out my name, so that the entire neighborhood could hear for dinner,

thanks for praying for me when i moved to los angeles and wishing me well always,

thanks for eating PHO with me in chinatown all the time grandma,

thanks for your LOVE, your LOVE is an example of how great God can be and more...

thanks, thanks, thanks, for you. thanks.

i hope i can spread the love you shared with me to my kids, family and friends.
God help me to handle this situation, please...Amen.

===========================================

oh yeah, thanks God for fixing my CAR!!!! with over 5000 in damage, the body shop
did a great job and made it look a bit better. though, i did find some minor errors, i will let it go and be nice. though, i shouldnt...but i will be.
thanks again!
now, it would be nice to drive that car for another 7+ yrs, and not be a
TYPICAL
CALIFORNIAN
who has to buy a new car every year and
SHOWOFF
THEIR
CAR
EBLEM,
(y dont u where it around ur neck!) haha!
with over 300,000mls, would be nice!
okay, i know im asking for wishes now...ill stop. but i change my oil every 3000 mls if not less!
hhhahhah
okay, ill stop.
thanks be to God.
Amen.

2:00pm: passin' by from Sunday Service, and God is G-double-O-D...good.
Pastor Wes
said something like this...

TOPIC:

THANKSGIVING
and
PRAISE...
a
NEGLECTED SOURCE of POWER for God's PEOPLE


-God is not like a light switch,

you cant expect GOd to answer your every command like He is some kind of switch on the wall. We should be the ones listening to Him and not demanding from Him like we are more worthy.

+++EVERY god WE CONTROL IS A FLAWED god+++

1. Thanksgiving & Praise (2 Chronicles 20:1-30)
is not a formula for success; it is an act of faith.

-Our own battles are Gods battles.
God tells us to go out and REPRESENT
on the battlefield, but we dont have to fight because its in God's power to be the Victor.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2. Thanksgiving & Praise
is not a theoretical exercise; it is a practical lifestyle, the way of life.

-its not about and goes beyond our curiousity, this is the way we should live.

========================
Proverbs 17-22 = A joyful heart is a good medicine...
========================

Sing the song of GOd to those who need it:

PSALMS 136;148;150
========================

Mathew 4 - when Jesus was tempted. We all face some temptation where we can overcome with GOd's devine help through the Holy Spirit.

========================

REMEMBER
the devil
is only there to
FAN THE FLAMES
=
FAN THE FLAMES = only to make you angrier and more angst to do what is unjust. This is Satan's trickory and deceit, do not be fooled by it. You may be facing some struggle of any great length but dont let it get to u as it would many who are on death row, or have an addiction, or sexaholics, gamblers, etc...it will only bring you down. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, that light is GOd.

==================

BOOKS TO READ:
1. Dont waste your sorrows by Phil ???
2. Massive Praise
==================

wish u all the best in ur many walks and talks of life.
and God,
i have this wish to do the BEST for human kind. i ask u to give me this strength of a million men and brains of infinite measures to do the 'know how' and 'when how' to complete this task for You.
Amen.

9:08pm: hmmm, my random blurbs about how random losT angeles is...
i went to the halloween party!

friend's friend, and i was blasian lebron james with an afro if he had a fro!

okay, what can i remember that is worth sharing, or should i care at all.

1st encounter:
=====================
i see TOO many poor ppl in downtown los angeles, its pretty sad and pathetic.
there is this one homeless lady who sits near the courthouse, i believe with blueeyes and very white hair. i have some inclination to talk to her for some random crrazy azz reason
like she was some kind of oracle from the matrix.

i wish i was rich, so that i could provide some kind of support to these ppl. if i were RICH, i would actually conversate with these ppl, see what kind of ppl they were and see if they were worthy of my MOOLAH. but in my case and unfortunately for the homeless, i am very poor in LA. i mean i drive a car that has two right side passsenger doors dented like it was one of those HOTWHEEL SMASH CARS, u know that ones that have an exterior and then when u hit it, it flips and shows a damaged side.

if LA wants to improve downtown they need to get more than half the population in cal state to help the HOMELESS!!! if anyone can help...help.

2nd encounterS:
======================
i jog a little in downtown LA, and its a nice place to jog because its not sooo busy. though, it could use a green park in the middle of it like NYcity? central park? i think i went there once. neway, while jogging, this guy at the crosswalk asked me if i was competing in boxing (wanted to join when younger), some ppl encouraging me and rooting me on, which is weird cause in the midwest, ppl mind their own business. some dumb azz asian guy with seemingly cute girl and male friend whistled at me, i think he was playing but yeah...ummm, shutup. ur lucky, im withholding my dragon. im sick of soo many ppl who try to be tough...i am tough. i can physically beat yo azz, but mentally, im a trip. another instance, saw some hot asian girls in a HONDA coupe and the girl gave me the look...girl feel free to give me the look and stop and park ur car on the curb and lets conversate. hahhah, some girls whistle on clubbing night which was nice...glad i still look decent. but yeah lil' stuff...not looking for that attention.

3rd encounter:
=====================
my friend, the one that LOVES me, but i dont LOVE her in return, came to visit me. shes making it very awkward and i believe its the age thing. i know were all getting older, i dont mind if i am single, but if i am blessed with a sweet wife and family than so be it. this girl we will call "eL" seems to be in a hurry to get to know me...let me continue...neway, we were at the cheesecake factory and enjoying conversations and it was eL's bday, so we the employers sing happyBday to her...when they asked for her name, she jokingly said "keroppi!", hahahah I BUST OUT LAUGHING like my gut exploded, and sang while laughing to her! it was funny!

so what im getting at is when the girls went to the restroom, the table next to us, with one obviously gay dude and his cousin from nebraska, who was, need i say, a cute light skinned black girl...she was a looker and dang i wish i could call her...yeah, i was given her number on a napkin, in pretty black ink, and that was that. when my friends came back...i acted like nothing happened. as we were leaving, i said a simple goodbye to the table. told my friends as we were leaving and they said they knew it...they knew what? they knew that they were checking me out when i was oblivious. i found it funny cause they kept on looking over to the next table when i was conversating and i was like okay, i must be boring every now and then. so thats why they were diverted...hahahha. my friend eL was seemingly upset, but i told her i wouldnt call. though, i would call if her cousin wasnt around. i know he would be in our face if contacted her...it was obvious from talking to them. she was cute though...and hollah.

4th encounter:
=====================

hasnt happened yet...i would like it to be some athletic girl, who has a nice color, or even white like casper, believes in God, and is just fun in many ways. awwww, patience, i can see myself as a chinaman with long white goatee...hahhh.

================================================

i havent been to a gym in over 7 months...its kinda getting to me cause i need to get strong again cause i am a soldier...haha. plus, i want to see some eye candy.

am i a perv or what...not...thinking about girls too much when i should be studying calculus, yeah right its bad though, if i get involved it could be difficult. the women out here sure do have a sweetness about them out here.
MUST FOCUS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>on getting my career on. MUST GET stable income...MUST>>>>>>>>>>>>>BEHAVE!!!!

about the gym, neone know of a good gym in los angeles that has good priceS?? under 3o a month? i am not going to pay 35 a month ever again!

================================================

i dont know if i should go to a party in REDONDO BEACH or not...i mean its a halloween party and i get itched at for being out late...situation currently living with relatives, causee im poor at the moment, who are very antsy becausse i went out late one night to a smokey place, and i dont even smoke!!!! i mean ive been here for over 4 months, and they are soo lucky i have only gone out very late once!!

about this party, it loox freaking awesome and its reminding me of chicago partayz...and i want to go, but do i really...its the same old same old...hit on soem cute girl in a police uniform and hopefully not spank her till dawn as much as i want to, who knows! but then again, the beach is right there and its in a classy place. saw the pictures from last years party and oh my oh my what eye candy galore...talk about syrupy...oh g...im being perv again.

if i go to this party, i actually have a coincidental halloween costume, i have yet to share with pictures cause im not sure if im even going. but yes, soo nice, i dont have to spend money for a costume, though i might have to get and afro.

plus, i believe ill be going with a group of MAJORITY girls since my friend is inviting me...and she says im like one of her few male friends. how nice. hahhah

CONs: it costs 30 freaking dollars! that doesnt even cover parking? do i at least get a FREE drink? LA is a rip off...i mean in chicago...cover can be 20 or less...minus parking.

well i dunno....if i go, i will post pix and share...i havent been to a halloween party since 7th grade. wow.

=====================
OH YEAH, INDIANS SUCK! i cant believe they lost to the RED SOX! here comes another awesome movie about the CLEVELAND INDIANS! good going yalL!!!! state of LOSERS! not! but stop losing! dang u dang u!
=====================


*********emergency*********
*********emergency*********
*********emergency*********

oh yeah, i will be DELETING some so called Lj friends...

glad i dont know u all in person...some of u dont update at all!! what the heck...its like some girl finding a boyfriend and not paying attention to her friends cause shes(more than half the women in this world) is all caught up in getting it done right with marriage and kids. not kewl, yeah i have no life and read about Lj ppl...so. hahhah

======================
God control my urges this weekend, Amen.

9:06pm: my dear grandmama and her sweet infectious smile...
well, i dont know how many of u know out there in Lj land,
but my grandmother has ovarian cancer, which is my main reason for being in LA as much i have dreaded it so far...

i take my grandmama to chemo appts. every wedenesday, well it varies because sometimes her blood count is too low and she cant receive the chemo, so it might switch every now and then, but mostly on weds.

its hard trying to get to know ur grandmother when one's chinese is soo limited like myself. i really need to speak more chinese or else im going to lose it. neway, i try to talk to her, but theres only so much one can say and my grandmother is thankfully, a simple woman. shes not complicated and only expects the simplicity in life. she does support the bling bling on her fingers and neck, but she wears it appropriately and its not overbearing.

every week i look at her, it puts a smile on my face. especially when i see her smile. it really does make me feel a great warmth in my heart to see my grandma smile, which i rarely saw when i was about 9, when she was taking care of me cause i had no parents around.

she would impale my ass cause i was soo naughty.

just kidding.

i remember, she and my younger aunt were the ones, whom would walk me to school when i was in 2nd grade. i would say that the trip was around 5miles totalling to and back. now that i think of it, that is a crap load of walking, but of course, soon after, i told them that i could walk with my neighborhood friends. i wish that i could have walked with them more...i can remember that i enjoyed walking with them, but i was a young menacing kid then and was busy running pointless circles, so eventually that didnt last long...them walking me to school...their presence in laughter and smiling all the day long as we walked to school...
seems soo bland yet it fills my mind with great sweeetness.

a young vibrant grandmother who has the sweetest smile, and has the strength and swiftness to whip some azz like she ws some super hero in great disguise.

neway, my grandma has a sweet smile like most of the sweet ladies here on Lj.

i love you grandma.

8:16am: i have contolled fury on my mind and it is oh soo bad...
okay, ive got my itunes on just to lighten up the mood with dianna krall playing in the background...

i am
FURIOUS
FURIOUS
FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!

!!

!

i have not been mad in a long time...wait there was the time when i moved to cali in august of '07 and the weather temps were around the 100s, where i cussed at the heat in the middle of the night like a super zombie, while rattled out of sleep with a flurry of cuss words, which does not happen very often.

other than that, i got into a BIG CAR ACCIDENT on aug. 26, meaning BIG by BIG, LONG, and GRUELING DAMAGES to my poor old car...yes the thing is over ten yrs. old, but the car is in very good condition, where the interior ws pretty much immaculate, while the outside is also in good condition.

so i was heading to New Song church to meet with a friend in the ghetto (from what i heard, it was in the ghetto). I dont remember the directions there exactly because i dont plan on going there again (not that i am traumatized by the accident but maybe God was trying to tell me something). it was near 50th st. and the service ws being held in Crenshaw High School?

how the accident happened:

- at the intersection, where i had a stop sign and the other perpindicular street did not.
- i was traveling southbound from flower st. and stopped at the STOP sign, being extra careful because their was a HUGE ELONGATED wall that was blocking my right side view.
- i look right and see that a car has stopped/slowed down
- i look left and see no car whatsoever
- i slowly proceed going maybe about 5-10mph
- as i am crossing i hear a loud revving noise to my right as i look right
- i see this motorcycle revving around the slowed down car into the other lane and heading straight towards me and next thing you know he is in my rear passenger door, while his motorbike (it was a junker of a bike, kawasaki/vulcan), im guessing - ricocheting off the ground and hitting my right passenger door and right front panel...

causing more damage than ever needed in my entire lifetime!
the damages exceeded more than 4500!! at teh time of the accident, the cop thought it was just a 1000$, while i replied in light manner, NOOOOOO, its going to be (morelike hoping it would be) around 3000-5000$ in damage (saying that with a huge grimace on my face where the totality could be the end of me financially)
insurance (INS.)says that my car is a
TOTAL LOSS!
TOTAL LOSS!! how could they say such a thing to my car! it is kept in great condition with only 90,000 mls.!!!
i knkow the thing is over ten yrs. old, but this car is different compared to the many on the road!!!! my poor Cammy, how i hurt for u...
INS. says that they will possibly offer me 4000 for the value of my car now. that is too cheap cause that car can last me well over 200,000 mls!

plus, i dont want a NEW CAR!! i really dont want a new car...and if soo that would come w/ payments, which i cant afford at the moment. i want to keep my old car and not be like everyone else in the state of cali, who has a brand new car or car that is newer than '05.

what freaking bites the big hard core apple is that i take my grandmother to chemo or injection appointments every week, and now she has to sit in the back like im some taxi. i sure hope my AC doesnt go broke because i cannot afford to get that fixed either, and i dont usually turn on the AC, but for my grandparents and guests, i do...

now my comments to the motorcyclist, (i am glad ur safe and that u had a helmet on)

who seriously thought he owned the road that day, and i mean seriously thought he owned the road because he drove around the slowed down car, into the other lane, and drovs back into the lane just to hit me, while he could have easily ridden around me. i mean there was enough room for a UFO to make a safe landing!!!!

who do u think u r, after u running into me, while im more than half way across the street...

dear to say, "whasup" in ur chump aggressive attitude, when i havent even stepped out of the car and when i do, say 'its alright'.
immediately, i apologize because i thought something on u broke, or the mere fact that u ran into my freaking car like a wild gorilla from the mist!
(WAIT THIS SHOULD BE IN CAPS!!!)
UR FREAKING KAMAKAZI ATTITUDE I DO NOT AT ALL APPRECIATE WHEN U COME BULLETING AT MY CAR WITH UR FREAKING BLACK SHINEY HELMET CAUSING MORE DAMAG THAN MY CAR IS WORTH! UR FREAKING PATHETIC BECAUSE UR SIMPLY A PAIN ON MY SIDE LIKE BILLY BLANKS AND HIS TAI BO!
WHAT WOULD MAKE U DRIVE BACK IN THE LANE WHEN I WAS IN IT? SERIOUSLY, THAT IS VERY STUPID! U COULD HAVE EASILY GONE AROUND ME AVOIDING THE WHOLE COLLISION! U LIVE A BLOCK AWAY FROM THE ACCIDENT, WERE U REALLY IN THAT MUCH OF A HURRY TO GO SOMEWHERE, WHEN YOU SHOULD OF EASILY SEEN ME AND SLOWED DOWN...INSTEAD OF REVVING AROUND A CAR BECAUSE OF UR IMPATIENCE!
PLUS, IT SEEMED AS THOUGH U WANTED TO FLEE THE ACCIDENT WHILE WALKING DOWN THE ENTIRE BLOCK WITH ME GOING AFTER U ASKING 'WHERE U GOING?'. YEAH THE BIKE IS NOT URS...DO U SEE Y U DONT HAVE A BIKE, I HOPE U DO. AND U DONT HAVE INSURANCE...AWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW MY INSURANCE SAYS THAT THEY WONT COVER ME BECAUS THEY FIND ME A BIT OVER 50% AT FAULT FOR THE ACCIDENT CAUSE U HAD NO STOP SIGN. I HAVE HAD A CLEAN DRIVING RECORD FOR OVER 5YRS, YES COUNT THEM 1 2 3 4 5 YEARS...AND NOW I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH UR CRAP ON MY HISTORY! AWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UR LUCKY IM NOT A GANGSTA WANNABEE LIKE U WITH ALL UR WANNABEEE HARDCORE TATOOS!!!!!
AGAIN IM GLAD UR ALRIGHT AND THAT U DIDNT GO THROUGH MY REAR PASSENGER WINDOW BUT DANG U R AT FAULT!!!
U WANNABEE SPEEDY GONSOLAZ OR MIGHT MICE CHUMP! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
IF I COULD KICK U IN THE THIGH I WOULD, IM SOOOO NICE! AAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God help me with my patience and my demeanor towards this unfortunate situation. i am ticked, do i not have enough stress factors in my life...i know more than half of the world is more unfortunate, but look at me, i am trying to make other ppls lives a bit easier before mine, maybe im not the best at it, but i can say that i am giving it effort. please give me the tolerance as well with my grandparents to hear their ramblings, and to remind me that my grandma has cancer and that my grandpa is suffering in thoughts. patience with my uncle/aunt who i am living with in a small apt., where we share one bathroom and they hog the bathroom for like 2 or so hours in the morning, while making my bowel movements irregular. please let my move to los angeles be a fruitful one and not just the passing of time. this freaking sux God, it does, it sux more than a kid getting a lolly pop after visiting the dentist!God, i know my prayers have become bland and seem to have lost its meaning, but please restore me as i adjust to all these situations in life. these changes in life seem to quick and i find it hard to cope. please speak to me whenever possible because i really do need ur attention. i know i have fallen away from u as in devotion and i do feel at fault. help me to find that happiness that is stored only in U and no objects or hot california girls can satisfy.
help me to begin this new bible study and not fall away from it, to have commitment, though my schedule is very random at the moment. i hope that tuesdays would be free so that i could actually engage in a great group of study and not put U off nemore, dear God.
Amen.
awwwwww, im still upset...help me God.
Amen.

11:51pm: another day in the life of me...
so i have been in los angeles for about 22 days, and i havent done much since the family has left, whom left on the 16 of july, so i have been in a way on the down low for about 6 days.

i feel like partying like i did in chicago, but then again, maybe it was God's move to get me out of there b4 i party my life away. when i was back in chicago, the parties were periodic and in all good meaning, and oh so fun. i met some new and exciting ppl along the way and there was always temtations. no need for me to explain about the tempting part because any party-goer would know, so its good that im out of there in that sense because it was sure getting difficult with some sweet ladies as tyrese would say. this walk with God and seeking companionship thing is difficult because im looking in all the wrong places.

as i was getting close to leaving chicago, i was involved with this lady named lets say "A". A was in love with me after only a short time of knowing me, only God knows how, but she said she loved me. it was a pure innocent simple love to me? which was something u dont find at all these days. i genuinely cared for her like any of my family/friends, but she said she 'loved' me and i was a bit baffled and perplexed because she 'loved' me. i didnt say it back and i believe i playfully said "and i like you", like a grade school dork, and clearly expressed to her that i didnt have love in mind. she said it was okay with her and that she loved me. i dont know if this was love or an obsession at finding a mate to fulfill the thought of having a family...i really dont. but it was nice to have someone say that because it reminded me that i am loved, loved by God and many others, whom i take for granted.
i have a lot to learn about love...

meanwhile, my main reason for being in los angeles is because my grandmother is sick and has ovarian cancer. shes doing okay, but most of her cancer cells has spread and only the chemo is slowing it down a bit. i pray with her and wish the best for her. ive been spending time with her at the senior home and now that she has been in the hospital, i look forward in trying to get to know my grandmother and grandfather better.

its funny how we all run around in life and miss the scenery that embraces us, when we should all sit still and look upon its beauty.

10:26am: a whole new city, a whole new life...
wow, i arrived here in Los Angeles not to long ago, lets say on june 30th i set foot on this place.

i havent been able to enjoy LA because ever since family came from Canada, San Fran, Chicago, Louisianna, Columbus it has been nonstop business because my dad booked a bus tour with American Asia to Grand Canyon and Las Vegas, but it wasnt a trip worth taking because it was too rushed. For example, I only got to see the magnificent Canyon for about an hour and a half. It felt like I had to powerwalk with my cousin Ryan to get a decent view of the place. Rather, I would have liked to walk or kayak around the Canyon. Soon after, we left for Lake Havasu City in Arizona, where they have the London Bridge: (yes, it was imported from London...can you believe that!?)
FYI:

LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZONA—

In 1962, London Bridge was falling down. Built in 1831, the bridge couldn't handle the ever-increasing flow of traffic across the Thames River. The British government decided to put the bridge up for sale, and Robert McCulloch, Founder of Lake Havasu City, Arizona, and Chairman of McCulloch Oil Corporation, submitted the winning bid of $2,460,000.

The bridge was dismantled, and each stone was numbered. Everything was shipped 10,000 miles to Long Beach, California, and then trucked to Lake Havasu City. Reconstruction began on September 23, 1968, with a ceremony including the Lord Mayor of London, who laid the cornerstone. On October 10, 1971, the bridge was dedicated.

London Bridge crosses a narrow boating channel that connects with Thompson Bay on the Arizona side of Lake Havasu. Prior to the arrival of London Bridge, the land upon which the bridge was placed was a peninsula. A large dredge was used to carve a one-mile channel, removing over two million cubic yards of rock and earth in the construction phase. Water was then diverted from the lake, under the bridge and then back into the lake through Thompson Bay. On the Google Map aerial view, the pushpin marked "A" is the London Bridge Resort, and just to the left is McCulloch Boulevard and the location of London Bridge.

To reach the bridge from I-40 we recommend going south on Arizona Highway 95, then turn left (east) on Mesquite Avenue. Turn right (south) on Lake Havasu Avenue N. and then right again on McCulloch Boulevard N. to drive over the bridge.
======================

Then there was some conflict with this bridge that day because some dude was trying to kill himself from word of mouth, I do not know how it go to our family, but thats what I was told. The dude probably just wanted to jump in for a little excitement because it was scorching hot that day and it looked fun. plus, it didnt seem that high where one could die, maybe break a bone here or there. Anyway, it was a disturbance and the party boaters had to dock their boats and clear the way for retrieval.

Finally got to Vegas and saw a bit of it as our tour bus dropped us off at some of the hotels like Ballagio, Rio, Cesar Palace, and Bally's to see the show Jubilee, yes it was the Vegas showgirls showing off their bonbons. They did have some decent performances like the story of Samson and Delilah, the Titanic.

We did all the Disneyland things and Universal Studios things.

It has all been a quick blur...wish i could have spent more time with family members, next time.

if anyone has any pointers on west coast life, please share.

now time to get settled and see what LA has in store for me.

11:00pm: going going back back to cali cali (yes, im notorious ˚˙˚∆¬˙∆˙∫√¨¥¨†††GOD LOVES U!!!†††)
(this journal will be edited for further documentation purposes and explainations because of randomness hyperbole situations...hahah, im being soo goofy, this entry is soo wack that i will expound more later on each random topic cause of ADD, umm, umm did i just type the same thing???hahhah)

howdy yall do folks,
its jim buck tooo, ive been all over the world that ive got multi-personality disorder...haha!!

so yes, i havent actually updated in the longest time because i felt a restriction on doing sooo...and ive explained this in tha past, explained why i want to DISCONTINUE this journal, but now, its like shaddup already with urself and be a grown man, i can type out my opinions and expressions any dag on way i want. who cares if it freaks ppl out, though i have kept my composure on this journal like any law-abiding citizen, who follows the law...*he-chew sneeze*

*hold up, laundry is buzzing and that means its done drying, i must tend to its hot unwrinkled state of affairs...brb*

okay, im back from half folding my whites onto the floor.

okay as i was explaining, im going to keep on typing in this Lj, but not fully expressionistic with my pessimistic nick nagging attitudital to the 2nd power to the 10th. (yeah, im confusing)
what i am saying is that i will be honest to the point where, i dont have to screen my Lj because of work, government, so called friends, friends, family because everyone in this world cant take honesty to the hurtful degree.

other than that,

i have been enjoying my "last months in chicago" as u can see in the pix, i have been celebrating and partying like i knew a lot of ppl.
i have been going to parties, bday parties, outings in beautiful chicago downtown (soon to the be home of the 2016 olympics), helping friends move into their new abodes, build their tv stand and turnon their flat screen for the 1st (ur welcome by the way jen, it was fun. yes, i take pleasure in moving and helping friends), i had to resign from volunteer work and i miss my senior citizens, whom i volunteered with because they all are special ppl, met this cool kid with his father Gary by the name of Max Lulich at the age of 9 y.o. randomly on the footsteps leading to the downtown chicago library, where he wanted to play his violin for me, while getting dash cash on the side from onlookers, while i was encouraging him to play on playah, went to a country club and it was rockin' boots fun (wish i stayed there longer, but then again the club Alumni we went to next was very fun, met this sweet girl, who said she loves me, watched some actually good movies??? spidey 3, shrek 3, knocked up, went bike riding for 9 hrs or soo in chicago downtown while they were having their LOOPTOPIA fest, where the had music playing from 5pm-7am at various chicago downtown hotspots like millenium park, mayor daley plaza, art institutes, etc., friends sang karaoke like they were stars, and danced till i was wet in my pants...

theres more, but yeah look at the pix link from my previous entries.

- my uncle from losT angeles just called me a few mts. ago, and it seemed like he was interviewing me, since i will be staying with my uncle and aunt in LA for maximum 6 months till i get my own place, thats if i can get my own place, but yah, he was interviewing me and i felt soo soo unworthy, boohooo....hhaah j/k. im glad he called to talk because it makes it a bit easier, communication wise instead of not talking to each other or just talking when necessary. to actually talk and get to know each other and not come of nozy or bothersome, how nice. i sure hope my move with them will be a peaceful one.

√ı˜Â≤≥≥÷…Ò˚؈ˆ¨ÁÁÁµ≤∫∫µ∫≤∫∆˙©©¥¨©¬¨¬˚¬∆˙∆ˆ
OH DOES NEONE OUT THERE IN LOS ANGELES OR OF THIS WORLD KNOW OF ANY GOOD TIPS ON GETTING A MORE THAN SANE ROOMATE OR A GOOD PLACE FOR A SINGLE MAN
???
WHAT GOOD CITIES to live in? I WILL BE BY SAN GABRIEL, ALAHAMBRA, ROSEMEAD...
???
*sidenote: i am very poor and hold a salary that is less than avg. salary, thanx!*
µ˜∫∫≤∫∆∫∆˙∫∆∆∫∆∫˙¬¬¬¬∫˙∆∫˙∆†††GOD LOVES U!!!†††

- theres this girl that loves me and i dont know what to think of it.
i told her i didnt feel the same way. im moving sooo...awww, i have soo much to learn about love so help me God.

will i be able to learn in los angeles, the city of fake boobies and hollywood wannabees?? dont get offensive now ppl from killa kali, *input random blurb* i dislike kobe bryant cause he thinks hes better than michael jordan, and im sure ill dislike the smog that overhangs that 'great' city. hahhahahhahah...

ill fit right in...not. neway, who cares, im going there to enjoy family, friends and sun. u can catch me at one of the outdoor beach basketball courts where i will try to fame my way through my great chinky basketball skillz...who says 'yellow men cant jump'? hahahaha

losT angeles

get ready for this chinky who doesnt know where hes from or what background he has, he'll be himself, fun-loving, caring, and oh so daring!
hahhahahhahhah!